Relationships, part 22

Dear Stuart,

It’s been a while, huh. I really don’t know what to say beyond I’m sorry we let the time get away from us. Every day I think I’m fine and I’ll be ok, but then some random thing reminds me of you. Like just now, when I was getting some ketchup to go with my fries, I remembered the time you pointed out to me how some ketchup is sweeter than others because of it’s high fructose corn syrup content versus some with vinegar. Ever since then I’ve been buying ketchup that’s more vinegary than sweet. It’s dumb little things like that, that remind me of you.

I think I can make it through this post without breaking, but I don’t know. I still can’t believe you’re gone, that you’re not here anymore. You, of all people, were the last I expected to die this early. I had imagined that we’d be one of the last ones of our generation. I keep thinking about that time you mentioned us getting back together before you and DJ became an item, and I can’t help but wonder, would you still be alive if I had said yes?

It’s silly. We only lived 6 miles apart but barely spoke to each other. I always assumed you were busy with work or your family or with DJ or Alex. I never wanted to impose, but I wish we had spent more time together, even as friends. You really were more of a family man than I ever will be. You were a good uncle.

I wish I could talk to you about these new game consoles, I’d love to have heard what you thought about them and whether or not you were interested in getting one. I would have loved showing the PS5 to you.

I still remember the day we first met. I was still living in the basement of that shitty house in Connelly Springs. I had been cleaning in the days before you came, hoping to make a good impression. I was so nervous, and so were you. I remember when you came to the door, I thought you looked very handsome. You were smoking a cigar but put it out before you came in since you knew I didn’t. I remember the night we laid on my bed and listened to Violator from Depeche Mode from start to finish and how we fell asleep cuddling under my blanket. I remember when we went to Best Buy and I picked up the racing wheel from Microsoft for the Xbox 360 so we could play racing games. I still remember your complaints about liking gas to be a button and not a trigger.

I remember that one time you let me take you out for your birthday. You spent an eternity in your bathroom and left all the hair from where you shaved all over the floor.

I remember when you finally broke it to me when you met John and that you were seeing him. I was so angry. I wonder if John knows you’re gone. I also remember years down the line when I got my first smart phone and I saw you on Scruff, it all came flooding back to me. I remember when we reconnected after all that time, but it still wasn’t the same. At least not for me.

I remember that one time you and DJ and Alex came over to hang out with us and play Magic: the Gathering. I wish we had more nights like that.

I was finally able to listen to Learning to Fly from Pink Floyd today and not cry. I still remember when you had that up on your MySpace page. I remember reading your email to me the day I went to gay.com to delete my account. I also remember reading your email to me when you confessed about John.

I remember the sweetness and the bitterness in equal measure.

I’m sorry we didn’t spend more time together and that I wasn’t a better friend. You’ll always be the one that got away.