We All Sleep Alone
Well, it’s been a coupe of months since I’ve written anything and someone is being a little demanding that I write something. It’s been a bumpy year so far: sickness, rough weather, difficulties at work, problems getting food, my Marine doesn’t talk to me much anymore and neither does my best friend at work. But I refuse to have another year like 2020; I’m not going to spend 12 months focusing on nothing but the negative again even though lately I’ve been deeply unsatisfied with my life as it is and that seems to be all I can focus on. C’est la vie.
In the last month I’ve joined Blue Apron to try to alleviate my food problems. Trying to get to a grocery store to get some food with a pandemic going on and coupled with the fact that I don’t drive is recipe for frustration. At first I wasn’t sure I was going to like it, but I’ve come to enjoy taking time out on my days off to cook and try new foods and new ways of doing things in the kitchen.
I’ve also come to enjoy a simple meal of roasted vegetables.
I’m not sure how long I’m going to stick with Blue Apron though. In the short time I’ve been a member they messed up two of my three meals in the same week which was a little discouraging. Well, more than a little discouraging considering I’m thinking of switching to Hello Fresh or something similar. That was the week that I became so discouraged that I just didn’t cook my third meal and used the ingredients to cobble something together. I’ve saved a few of my recipe cards to maybe replicate the recipes in the future, but the cost (and finding some of the specialty ingredients) might prove to be a little prohibitive.
I’m still very much in my feelings over the “ending” to Final Fantasy XIV: Endwalker. I say it “ending” since the game doesn’t really end until you decide to stop playing, which I did. I felt like once I finished the Main Story Quest (MSQ) in the state it was in at that time, I felt a sense of closure, of being complete. I’m glad that I have all that stuff on my YouTube channel so I can go back and re-live it all without having to subscribe to the game again. I figured after 2,000 hours it was time to move on to something else anyway.
Some places stand in silence as a reminder that ‘we were here’
After I finished the 14 MSQ, I swore off any type of Live Service Game / Games As A Service (LSG/GaaS) style of game. No Division 2, no Destiny 2, no Final Fantasy XIV, none of it. A little bit of a disappointment in this decision since I was really looking forward to Babylon’s Fall…only to find out it was the type of game I’ve started to avoid. For the most part I feel free to work on my now shrinking backlog, but I can’t help not feeling that I’m missing something after having played LSG/GaaS for so long but I look forward to the time when this feeling passes. I’ve been keeping up with Destiny lore through YouTube videos and find that I enjoy keeping up with the game’s story much better this way. Sounds like I’ve missed one hell of a party in Destiny 2, but I’m fine with it. The lore videos on YouTube can make the game much more entertaining than it actually is.
My backlog has started to shrink thanks to this current console generation and my growing dissatisfaction with most of modern gaming. I’m so tired of it all. First off, $70 for a new console game just isn’t gonna happen very often. At least some games are still being sold on release for $40 and $60 but even then it’s not a guarantee that I’ll buy in. Next up, constant software updates that will either “fix” a game completely or fix one thing only to break several others. And don’t get me started on patches that nerf exploits; every time I hear about this happening, I feel a little bit of me die inside (especially if it’s a From Software game). The loss of getting to use the expliots and missing out on the conversation is rather irritating as well, but something I’m getting accustomed to even with access to the ResetEra Discord and its lively discussions.
I am Rael Fierlaine
And then there’s shit like this. No sooner do I jump online to do some mindless grinding so I can catch up on podcasts or things I follow on YouTube or just listen to some music when I get accosted by online friends to join them in whatever it is they’re doing when I don’t feel like being social. I miss gaming when it wasn’t always online.
And then there’s this shit. Not only do I have to constantly wait for console system software updates and game patches, but now I have to wait for my controller software to update too?! Come. The fuck. On. Let me put on my old man hat for a minute and complain about how I remember when you hooked shit up it just worked.
I was happy about getting this thing at one point in time, but that was also before I figured out I was never going to be able to get a Switch OLED or an Xbox Series X. Trying to find both of these and being able to buy one has been a total fucking nightmare. I had a similar problem with the Xbox One at launch but thanks to a lovely gay couple I met on Facebook I managed to snag an unopened Xbox One. I kinda wish that would happen this time around but with my current level of frustration I really don’t give a shit if I ever get one or not. I also feel like, with all the company consolidating going on, we’re on the verge of another industry collapse and I’m more than happy to hold up in a bunker with all my retro games and systems while the rest of this shit gets sorted out.
Oh and for the time being, until I get my feelings on this situation sorted out (yay more fucking feelings) I quit streaming. Completely. This has been a monumentally overwhelming situation that I find myself in. I was only trying to make friends and put myself out there and try to feel included in stuff but it backfired spectacularly. I joined Snapchat and started adding people that I knew on there and one of those people was a guy from work in maintenance who also happened to help me get started with streaming. Upon adding him on Snapchat and simply saying hello he immediately began giving me the third degree about whether or not I was gay. I was completely caught off guard because I was under the impression that everyone at work knew at this point. I was also caught off guard because this guy is younger than me and the younger crowd is generally a lot more accepting of such things, but apparently I was sorely mistaken. After I confirmed my sexuality he won’t so much as even look at me at work and any time he’s forced to interact with me, he does so with a noticeable amount of annoyance. So, I get it. I’ve been debating selling off my streaming equipment to try to recoup the cost of entry, but I’m sure that once this comes to light the protests are going to start. I only really half enjoyed streaming anyway, when the equipment worked that is. Maybe retro streaming is in my future but that currently is only a minimal chance. I tried shopping around a list of games that I thought about streaming to a few people, but didn’t get much of a strong opinion one way or another so that just further demotivated me to keep going.
I made a new friend this year too. He’s a very attractive (he’s smokin’ hot with the perfect body in my opinion) handsome man that goes by Bubba but that’s not his real name. Like myself, he doesn’t like going by his real first name and instead chooses to go by a nickname. At first, we would talk nearly every day about this or that, but as time goes on - and as is usually the case - we just don’t talk and if we do it’s reduced to a short conversation that happens once a week, if that. He claims that it’s all him and he just gets in his head but I can’t help but feel that I’m partly responsible since the talking stopped shortly after I gave him the link to my old LiveJournal blog since he seemed ravenously interested in reading more of my writing. I guess that was not the correct move to make. I took a chance and feel like that, once again, I let my guard down and let someone see some part of me that I normally keep hidden only for them to be disgusted by what they saw and leave.
The other thing about him is that, unlike my other so called online friends, he actually talks about my writing and reads it. That truly made me happy when he said that. Like truly happy; sunshine and rainbows, over the moon, all that jazz. It really put things into perspective as to who is and isn’t a friend that’s trying to motivate me or lift me up.
I spent this past weekend at Pat and Brad’s place. It was the first time I’d been up there since Christmas what with working all the time and being sick and all. It’s still somewhat weird to me, being back with them and being there. I sometimes have these waves of nostalgia that hit me and I think about all the late summer nights me and momma would spend up there when I was young. Watching creepy stuff on TV like Unsolved Mysteries or movies; I’m pretty sure that was the place where I watched The Goonies for the first time. Spending hours drawing my own levels for Super Mario Bros a few decades before Super Mario Maker was ever conceived of. Many a day spent wandering in the woods, climbing trees, building forts from leaves and branches. It feels like another life, like none of that stuff ever happened to me, or ever happened at all. Over the time I was gone, they didn’t change the place much but it just feels weird in a way I can’t describe. It feels like the focal point between two worlds like that of Chrono Cross, like at any minute I’m going to pop through a portal and be back in the world that I knew.
Regina and her repulsive husband were also there this past weekend. I used to harbor an unquenchable hatred for the two of them after the way I was treated when I was stuck living with them after my parents passed away. But it was all for naught; when I saw them again for the first time a few months ago I saw that the ravages of time did more damage to them than I could ever hope to. And of course now, with the death of Irene, I feel like all the hatred and resentment that I used to harbor has burned away, that I am an empty husk waiting to be filled. Make no mistake, there are still people in this world that I actively dislike, but none compare. I might still dislike Regina and her husband, but I’m finding my way. Honestly I feel like it’s all a ticking time bomb anyway. I’m the youngest of ten kids and the oldest of us is 70 and I’m sure you can guess where I’m going with this. The future does not hold a good time for sure, so I’m going to make the most of it when/where I can.
My Marine, my sweet pea, my baby bear. We don’t talk as much as we used to and it kills me. We’re both doing the very thing that we said we wouldn’t do; letting time get away from us. It just feels like yesterday that we met even though it’s been over two years at this point. And on top of that, this past week he texted me to tell me that he and his wife had been fighting a lot because of money and he admitted to me that once everything settles down he is considering a separation for a time. On one had I’m glad that he recognizes that he deserves better but on the other I hope that they really don’t split because of something he said to me once, about her: “…that was when I knew that she was the one.” I know, it’s a cliche statement but still, things like that warm and stir the heart and hearing of the death of them is a terrible pain. He doesn’t usually talk to me about his feelings, not a whole lot, but when he does it’s sometimes some serious shit like this.
Make no mistake, I still love him deeply and care a lot for him despite all that he’s put me through emotionally and financially, and I won’t hesitate to go get him and bring him to my house or somewhere else I know where he’ll be safe if I find that he’s being abused. I will not tolerate that nor will I sit and do nothing. When I saw him a couple weeks ago when he came to get some food I had for him and his family, he had gained a little weight and to me it just made him even more attractive than he already was even though he dislikes his appearance. I’m still thinking of the hug he gave me before he left and how warm and safe he felt. I still love him, even if it’s wrong or never going to happen or whatever. I don’t care. I’ll protect him, no matter the cost.
