I Am Hated
Since Facebook is full of censorship Nazis and most people don’t comment or even ‘like’ what I post on Twitter, I guess I’ll just complain here. I mean, I might as well since I’m paying to keep this shit running, right?
Monday when my sister Pat was bringing me home from spending the weekend at her house and seeing my nephew’s wife graduate from university, we were talking shit about other family members over dinner (as we’ve been doing since I came back around last year) and it turns out that I’m still something of a hot button topic among other family members. Specifically our other sister Regina and her piece of crap husband Chris. The last time that I was at Pat’s before this weekend, dearest in-law Chris was apparently making fun of me, yet again, while I was in the other room trying to write. I’m never going to understand what that piece of shit has against me. I’ve never done anything to him other than be gay. I was pretty much like “well, whatever” after Pat told me what he said but the more I ruminate on the subject, the angrier I get. I almost spilled the beans on how I got revenge on them both but I held my tongue; rest assured that will be revealed at a future date. I’ve never liked him, even before Regina married him. I’ve always thought she could do better, but he’s not my problem. If she dies before him, which isn’t likely sine he has epilepsy and it’s apparently gotten worse over the last few years, I’ll never have anything to do with him again. The family is in for a very rude awakening in the future when things Pat and I talked about come to fruition.
…I am hated…
And Tuesday was this. Decided to check Facebook in case anyone was trying to get my attention or anything and that was the first thing I saw in my feed. Wow. I’ve never shown this faggot motherfucker anything but respect in his posts and maybe a joke here and there, and this was the thanks I got for it. After unfriending him on Facebook and then blocking him on Twitter, I went to his OnlyFans and unfollowed. Attitudes like his are why I’ve been increasingly hesitant about trying to talk to or even befriend another gay person. Attitudes like his are why I rarely ever talk to or try to make friends with any of the “pretty” gays and why I’m always shocked when one of them is nice to me because I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop like this and I’m rarely disappointed when it finally happens. It’s whatever, paying to see his shit was the equivalent to a pity fuck I suppose.
…you are hated…
The other thing that’s gotten under my skin this week is my Marine friend (whose name is also Chris which is unfortunate) and my coworker Justin. I guess it’s just my anxiety but most of the time lately I just feel like neither of them want me around anymore. Justin hardly ever talks to me like he used to, just like Chris. I guess now that Justin is in a relationship with whats-her-name he doesn’t need my friendship or my sympathetic ear. It’s whatever, maybe this is his happily ever after? Chris is up to his usual shit of just not answering messages or questions. I’m ready to just give up on him and just let him go. Most of the time he doesn’t act like he wants me around anyway so maybe it’s time to remove myself from the equation like I planned on before. After not talking for about a day (I think, I can’t remember because I haven’t slept much since getting back from Pat’s) he broke the silence this morning with a “hope you’re having a decent day” text. Since my mood was already in the toilet I responded with a curt “not really” and the silence between us continued. After hearing my nephew’s wife was in the market to sell her old truck for nearly nothing I might just tell him to shove his Jeep up his finely sculpted ass and buy her truck instead.
…we are hated…
Then there was this morning at work. The aforementioned fellow in maintenance that helped me get into streaming and was subsequently disgusted upon hearing what my sexual preference was, approached me in the break room and asked if I had been streaming. Instant panic set in because I was and am in no mood for this confrontation so I lied and told him I had been playing Dragon Quest Builders 2 and I was pretty sure no one wanted to watch me play a Minecraft clone. He simply responded with “oh” and I walked off after purchasing my food from the machines. No mention of apology, no remorse shown in his actions, nothing. If not for the fact that I spent a lot of money on equipment and a lot of time learning the ins and outs of OBS and Stream Deck I would just sell all my shit and never touch Twitch again.
…I am hated…
It’s been rather warm all week here since coming back from Pat’s to the point that trying to sleep is nearly impossible to unbearable in my bedroom. I suppose I should tell Alex’s mother, the slumlord, but I don’t feel like having any discussion with her about this for the third summer in a row. I kinda feel like sticking it out until I move out (whenever that will happen) and letting whatever piece of shit that moves in find out on his own. Ever time I come back from Pat’s I feel like selling my shit and getting a tiny house and moving it to Pat’s back yard. I have a feeling that once it’s revealed that I have zero intentions of buying this place from her or staying here I’m sure she’ll remind me that I once said I would live here until I die and then there will be yet another argument because I’ll tell her I’m allowed to change my mind. I’m tired of her treating me like I’m nothing but a source of income and her personal slave.
…you are hated…
I really want to go see the new Doctor Strange movie and don’t want to wait until it comes to blu-ray (or the fucking internet spoils it), so I think that I’m going to go see it next weekend. Alone. I would normally ask Alex if he would like to go, but lately it’s just been the constant excuses of either having to work or having his kids so I’m just not going to bother. I’m going to get an Uber or a Lyft and go by my damn self. On the off chance that I end up having another argument with his mother or saying something insulting about her - which he got pretty angry about the last time when I called her a cunt - I would rather not be out anywhere with him or at his mercy in terms of transportation for fear of being abandoned in Hickory. I certainly don’t want to hear anything he has to say if an argument occurs. I’m ready to end whatever sort of arrangement I have with his family anyway after her speech last year before my birthday about her retirement and the house I rent.
…we are hated…
Right now I just want to be held. I want a man to hold me close and just fucking be there. He doesn’t need to say a goddamn word or do anything at all, just hold me. I’m sick of feeling - and being - unwanted.