Turning 40 – Gay Edition

Part 1

I suppose, being that I’m 40, it’s (inevitably) time for me to join the ranks to gay dads/daddies even though most of the time I just feel like an outsider or an impostor in the bunch. All these hot, chiseled men in full leather uniforms and here I am in my pajama bottoms and a t-shirt because I just can’t be bothered.  If being all decked out in leather or just being a sharp dresser every hour of the day is your thing, then you do you.  I’ll just be over here looking like a slob but still getting the boys’ attention.

These days I’m more or less ignored by most other gays on the apps.  I’ll get views, sure, but trying to get them to talk about anything other than sex is mostly pointless.  Pretty much why my profile name is ‘blowme’ and why what it says is rather blunt (and if you want to know what it says, go look it up on Scruff/GROWLr yourself).  At my age (and beyond) I’ll most likely just be a young guy’s first daddy experience.  I find that idea both appealing and abhorrent at the same time.

Daddy.  Now that’s a word that carries a lot of weight in the gay community.  Never really been sure why either.  If I had to posit a theory, I’d say that we tend to put so much weight on daddy both as a word and as a role because we crave it.  Some of us didn’t have a strong male role model in our lives when we were young so we became the thing that we needed when we were young.

Be the person that you needed when you were younger.

My father was a man that I wanted to be when I got older but I feel I pale in comparison.  He went off to fight in World War II and here I am trying to protect the world by staying cooped up in the house because of COVID-19.  Some men take the role of daddy very seriously and act like a father figure or parent to the younger gay men and boys because it’s both what they need and what they want.  We crave that masculine sense of security and loving, caring, protective nature of a man.  Sometimes we take it to the extreme and make it into a fetish.  Several hook up sites and apps specifically list ‘daddy’ as something you are looking for.  To me, that says you’re only looking for older men to have sex with or you’re looking for a bizarre reflection of a father and son nuclear family model.  Some daddies are simply in the business of being a daddy for what they can get or want from younger men:  sex.  And often things tend to turn toxic because the younger man is looking for and craving the structure of a stable relationship with an older man; a replacement for the father figure that they didn’t have when they were growing up.  But the older man is only looking to bust a nut and that’s all.  He’s set in his ways and is looking for a bit of fun before moving on with his day.  I know all this because I’ve been both men in the equation, only my father wasn’t an absent figure in my life.  He was very much there every day, he just worked a lot to provide for us to make sure we didn’t go without.

Now that I am the daddy, I can somewhat understand all the older men I’ve met along the way during my life.  I understand – to a degree – why they were somewhat opposed to being labeled as such or why they simply used the title to get what they want.  I can also understand that with the title comes a form of power and that power must be used wisely.  Other younger gay men do look to me for advice, companionship, love, acceptance, and sex.  I tend to be a little reserved depending on who I’m dealing with and a little more flamboyant or direct with others.  One face but many masks if you will.  Do I use the title to get what I want from other men or boys?  Absolutely.  I usually don’t mind being fetishized, it mostly depends on what kind of mood I’m in when approached.  What direction is the wind blowing in, if you will.  Yet there are other men that are older that still identify as a “boy” or “son” that still crave the nurturing and companionship of a daddy.  I say there’s nothing wrong with taking on either of these roles, so long as both parties understand the “rules” and what’s expected of them.

There are times that I crave the intimacy and love and attention of a son who wants to have a life long relationship with me (which is weird since I’ve never wanted children of my own) and there are still other times that I just want to find a young, hungry cum dump that’s looking for a good time.  And yet still I have moments where I want to give up control to another man and let him own me, whether it’s for a few hours or for a few years of my life.  To be collared and made to do as he sees fit, to serve him and please him, to be sculpted into a muscular beast.  And then I snap back to here and now and just decide to be a lazy, self-indulgent hedonist.

I also used to think, when I was younger, that when I got older in the gay community that things would be different and that there would be more respect and caring within the community.  At this point all I can say is that was a lot of wishful thinking and wasted hope.  We’re still pretty shitty to one another which is amazing considering how shitty we’ve been treated by non LGBT people through out history.  The only difference between when I was growing up and now is the internet.  The shitty behavior among us is called out in public forum and brought to the forefront of the conversation.  Growing older has shown me that it’s no wonder that some people become cold and withdrawn as they age.  All of this shit just becomes so tiring to deal with day after day but yet I’m still questioned as to why I never leave my house (I was social distancing before it was cool) or why I’m often hateful to others.  I care less and less to answer the call to adventure and would rather skip to the resolution (points if you know Campbell’s Hero’s Journey monomyth).  I fear that we will never learn.

Until next time…