The Hours…

Ever since Alexis told me what happened to you, you’re all I’ve been able to think about. I’ve barely slept, either being “asleep” at a surface level that the slightest sound wakes me or deep in a dream land I don’t remember upon waking. My appetite comes and goes with the changing of the winds, sometimes I don’t eat until my body is in full revolution. Sometimes I don’t eat at all.

I can’t help but feel guilt at your accident. I feel like you just decided to give up and wrecked on purpose because of the hurtful thing I said - “I’m done” - and deleted you out of my phone. I know you better than that, at least I’d like to think that I do. I know you wouldn’t do such things to me and to the rest of us. The logical part of my brain that’s at constant war with the more chaotic side tells me I’m being silly and over reacting. But you know as well as I, that some times all it takes is one bad day to send a man over the edge. You and I have had more than one close call.

I did but I didn’t. I did give up on you that day. I gave up trying to get through to you via text but I didn’t give up hope you’d still talk to me. When you don’t text me for over a month, I know something is wrong. I wish instead of you just bottling all this up that you had talked to me. It’s not fair that you suffer alone, that’s why I’m here. I’m here for you. I’m always here for you.

The progress notes from Alexis keep me going. Every time I see and update from her arrive on my phone, I’m awash with equal parts joy, excitement, nausea, and fear. Your progress is nothing short of surprising to me and to others I’ve shared the updates with. But you have a long road ahead of you in terms of healing and rehabilitation. I want to be there with you ever step of the way if you’ll allow it. I plan to be there if you need me. I will watch from the sidelines cheering you on regardless.

I’ve already started thinking about the future. I’ve imagined that, months from now, you’ll be up and about and back to a sense of normalcy. I’ve imagined that you’ll come through this like nothing happened. I hope that you come out of this like nothing happened. I hope that one day we can look back on this and laugh about it, make jokes about how tough you are. I’d sacrifice nearly anything just to hear you talk to me and hug me and tell me that it’s all ok and that all is forgiven and that you still love me. I will accept it if you don’t want me in your life anymore after this, if you remember the things I said and did and decide that our chapter is over. I will not accept you dying before me. I hope that you still want me in your life and that you’ll give me another chance at being your best friend and confidant. I hope that the man that I love and cherish is still in there and wakes up.

The hours are relentless and grueling and all I can do is wait and see. I’m sorry Chris.