Life Update
So it’s been about a month since I last posted something. Well, a little over a month actually. I’ve mostly just been stewing in my juices over Alex’s bitch of a mother and her attitude and treatment. The day before my birthday this year she basically told me that when her and her husband retire that they’re not going to want to come repair anything at the house I rent from them and that they would like me to buy the house from them. Uhhhh, excuse me? First of all, me renting the house was so I could avoid the headaches of house ownership and second I’ve already paid for this house once and I refuse to do it a second time. She admitted to me a while ago that all the rent I’ve paid went toward the mortgage and that the mortgage was completely paid off. So why would I want to do that a second time? And at damn near 50 years of age to boot (based on the time table she gave me during our unpleasant lunch). Oh and when I finally broached the subject of how much she wanted for the house (I lied and said that someone else had wanted me to ask) she responded with $150,000. You have got to be kidding me. If she expects me to pay her that then she’s going to end up with an empty house in need of repair and a tenant she doesn’t know and a former tenant that will never speak to her again.
She’s also been a real bitch about when I pay the rent and for the last couple of months when I didn’t pay it on exactly the first day of the month I’ve woken up to rude texts from her reminding me what day of the month it is like I don’t know. When they start making repairs on this house a priority then I’ll make paying rent a priority. Until then I’m not coming to another thing involving her family again. When the mass text about Thanksgiving went out earlier this month I simply replied “I’m not coming” and didn’t say another word.
Speaking of Thanksgiving, that was yesterday and I spent it alone. I’d rather have been with biological family or friends but I wasn’t invited to any friends’ places and biological family did their gathering today while I was working. There was no way I was going to set foot at Alex’s parent’s house; being in my own company was preferable even if it was lonely. I got messages from a couple people but nothing that made me feel any less lonely or loved. I get told (not often) enough that I’m family and I’m important and loved and so on and so on, but yesterday it really hit that even though they say that, it’s just and empty gesture so I feel less isolated and easier to be manipulated into getting things out of me. I’d be less hurt if people had spent time with me yesterday, but I was literally alone all day. I know part of that was self inflicted but again, I’d rather be alone than with those shitty people who own the house I rent.
The one highlight of the last month and change was this:
I made it to Twitch Affiliate! I was out getting groceries with Alex when I got the email. As I ran back and forth from the car to bring my groceries in the house (because he never helps me bring them in) I sobbed silently to myself in the kitchen because I was so happy. I didn’t bother to tell him that I made it because this was mine. A lot of people helped me get there, I won’t deny that. I certainly didn’t get here on my own. But I didn’t see a reason to share that with him and I still don’t. After groceries were put away, I sat here with a bag of Taco Bell and set to work filling out my tax information then setting up emotes, my info for the Children’s Miracle Network so I could raise money for Extra Life and figuring out more things to do during my streams to make it entertaining for people to come watch. On my first day as an affiliate, a dear friend not only subscribed to my channel but bought subs for nearly everyone else that was in chat. It was a very kind gesture but definitely put me under pressure to make content and make it good. It’s been nearly a month since I made affiliate (it happened on November 4th) and while my stream audience has grown very little, I can at least say I made it to affiliate and I’m happy.
The only other thing I wanted to talk about that’s been on my mind is VHS tapes. I managed to figure out a way to digitally transfer all of my sister’s old VHS tapes to my laptop, thank you Elgato! Most of it was fairly tame family moments: graduations, vacations, anniversaries and so on. But I was triggered into uncontrollable crying by two tapes in particular. First was my mother’s last Christmas. I didn’t remember this day. At least, not the version of it presented to me on this time worn tape. I remember this day in a much more negative and depressing tone. Here, she was up ad about and present with family while still dying; still being eaten alive from within by the cancer. In my mind’s eye on this day, she slept and barely registered anyone else’s presence in the room. And there I was too in all my awkwardness and internal rage at 17 years old. But this day was erased from my mind. Was it so traumatic that I just wiped it away? Yet here is evidence that it happened. And at the beginning of the tape was the conversation between mama and her ex husband Charlie. There was no audio and there never needs to be; what was said I think should stay between them in that moment for the rest of time. In my head I’d like to think that they had forgiven each other for everything in the past; all the wrongdoings, all the mistrust and infidelity. I’ll never know for certain and that’s perfectly fine.
The other tape that really bothered me was the last tape I copied and I did that on purpose. The last line written on the cover sleeve was ‘Digging Ben’s Grave’ and I knew what I was going to see was going to be painful but I faced it anyway. The first part was several agonizingly long moments of watching my now disabled brother chisel away at a piece of rock making a 6 foot deep hole that would hold the box. After he reached the required depth I watched him stand up and let out a triumphant “WOO!” before the scene changed to an eerily silent tableau of the living room in their house. In it were several pictures of family, his military uniforms, his glasses, an American flag, some books he loved and the urn itself. The scene changes and everything is in the box, with the camera zooming in on a small metal plate on the top of the box that reads:
Benjamin Luroy Conley
7-31-24 3-18-99
Veteran of WWII
75th Infantry Division
The last shot is the box in its final resting place in the ground and a long moment of silence before the end of the tape. I watched all this as the tape was copied with mute sadness building within. I kept quiet and silently told the man how sorry I was that I was such a disappointment. I went to his grave for the first time in 20 years this year. It was a little surreal; like looking at a remnant from someone else’s life. I can tell the fog of whiskey is beginning to set in, so I’m gonna sign off for now. Until next time…
Header image credit: citypng.com