Letters I’ll Never Send
When I wrote these, I was not really in a good place. Things are somewhat better now, but instead of throwing them away and covering up their existence, I put them here out in the open as a snapshot of that time of my life and so I’ll try to remember that things will sometimes get better.
All of them were written by hand while sitting at the bar at 100 Main in 2021 over the course of the summer while my central air wasn’t working, while sipping beer after beer.
11 June 2021-
I had thought of doing something nice for Chris and his wife Alexis by showing them where I grew up and where we lived on Jonah’s Ridge near Linville Falls. I thought it best to reach out to Pat and Brad before just showing up there out of the blue. But when I looked up Little Brad’s profile - I was going to go through him to get to Pat and Brad - and saw ‘TRUMP’ and ‘I don’t care about your vaccine’ overlaid on a couple of his profile pics, I decided it wasn’t worth it. Opening myself up to the heartache and pain is probably a stupid idea. I’d still like to show them the place, but instead it might be best if we just went there unannounced. Maybe I won’t be such a bother that way. The one nice thing I did do - that I’m sure will blow up in my face somehow - was giving that ingrate $2,000 to go get his son from that worthless bitch in Arizona. Hopefully once he gets Hayden out here he will change his attitude. But I’m pretty sure that once he gets Hayden out here I’ll be forgotten about until he wants drugs or money. He keeps talking about including Alexis in everything he planned to do with me when the reality of the situation is that I’m the one that gets left out. I NEVER should have gotten involved with him on any level and stuck to my rule of keeping coworkers at arm’s length.
And here we are back where I started this post.
11 June 2021-
It’s been an emotional week. Chris and I have been fighting off and on and it’s definitely trying my patience. I know I promised him I wouldn’t give up on him and that I’d always be here, but I don’t know if I can keep that promise. He makes me so fucking angry I just want to walk away. I don’t know how long I can keep this up. Because of him I’ve thought about just saying FUCK IT and killing myself anyway. I’ve thought that about three or four times this week. But if I do that to him, I’m no better than his piece of shit mother. I’m just so tired I just want to give up and leave him alone. Alexis is a real trooper for staying with him this long and constantly putting up with this. I used to think I had it in me to be like that, but now I’m not so sure. I honestly feel like one of us will abandon the other after a while, despite all the promises and wanna be Hallmark moments.
Justin and his new woman - whose name escapes me again - had a pregnancy scare earlier this week. Two home tests told her yes so anxiety set in along with hope for another life to add to the family. Dreams of another son or daughter to bring into the world and raise and love were snuffed out when a test from the doctor’s office told us that it was not to be. Obviously they are more devastated by this than I was, but Justin told me in confidence that I was to be the godfather. Normally I’m not this devastated over a child, but this time was personal. A chance to pass on things from my life to a young one. To be the fun uncle, to be the bad influence. Robbed of that, all thanks to biology and hormones. Justin has hopes of trying again and hoping it sticks. But considering she’s had her tubes tied some years ago, I don’t have any such hope, instead just embracing the harsh truth of reality.
18 June 2021-
I’ve been giving serious thought to just giving up and removing myself from your life; to just leaving you even though I promised you I wouldn’t abandon you and that I’d always be here. That’s what I’ve been in such a bad mood for all week and haven’t been responsive or talkative. This week you’ve really made me feel like you don’t really need me around or even want me. I also feel like that once you finally get Hayden out here, your need for me will be replaced and unlike me, I guess you don’t have a problem doing that? I’m tired of only being thought of when you need money, of only being and afterthought or a get out of jail card. I should have known better than to get close to you (or anyone really) and that all the things we “secretly” shared were just bullshit. It kinda hurts that we don’t talk like we used to, and I don’t know why or if there’s anything I can do to “fix” that. At this point, I’m wondering if its even worth it to try. It was probably just a front or a persona you made up to get what you wanted out of me. I was happier just being your friend and not your personal bank or emotional punching bag. Honestly most of this week, or hell even the last month, I’d rather just be dead than deal with all these emotions. I wish I could just turn it off like you do, but I can’t. I’ve been that emotionless block of marble before and after a while, I hated it. I couldn’t keep doing it. I really don’t want to leave you, love bug, I want to stay and keep my promises of not abandoning you, but right now its very hard to not just run away.
18 June 2021-
Hayden,
Hey bud, happy that you’re finally out here with your mom and dad. You are the only thing your dad has talked about for months and the only thing keeping him motivated to not give up. THE ONLY THING. I’m glad you’re here with your family, you’re here where you belong. Listen, we might never get the chance to meet or sit and talk, but I need you to do me a favor. Take good care of your dad for me. He’s been very kind to me ever since we started working together. There’s not a lot of good men like him in the world, so try to be there for him and with him as much as you can. He loves you very, VERY much. He’s going to need you. I also think that Alexis is going to be a much better mother to you than your biological mother. She’s very kind and beautiful and smart too. I helped your parents make sure your trip here happened. I knew how important your being here is to them and I wanted you to be here too. Everyone deserves to have a loving family like yours. Me? I’d like to consider myself your uncle Ben after a fashion. I knew how bad you wanted to be here and away from that horrible place you live now. I know how bad you miss your father, because I miss him too. Your dad wanted me to give you this watch that your grandfather gave him before he went off to war. I’m sure he intended for you to get it when you a little older, but I’m giving it to you now because I probably won’t be around to see you grow up. I’m sorry for the hurt I’ll cause, I really am, but its better this way.
18 June 2021-
The sounds of the world are moving on all around me at the breakneck pace life moves. Here I sit, chin atop hands resting on top of my legal pad full of letter that I’ll never send people. It’s been such a shit week - hell a shit couple of months really - that I’ve just been thinking about ending it all and being done with the misery that I’ve been living through.
21 June 2021-
I love Chris Radley. There’s no way for me to get away from it or hide it. Every time I look at his face, his stupid beautiful handsome boyish face, it starts all over again. I recently saw a picture of him from the past and I’m pretty sure that version of him and I would never have gotten along. But I shouldn’t be so harsh or judgmental of him because the past versions of myself aren’t exactly shining paragons of humanity. Nor would they have been people Chris would have associated with anyway. I still feel like an unworthy and unwanted piece of shit, nay a parasite for trying to constantly insert myself in his life. But the lingering feelings from the things he has said to me sting when I think of them. Does he even give a shit about me at all? Does he ever think of me in any capacity beyond a friendly “get out of jail” card? Most of the time lately I feel like the answer to both of those questions is no. I know I’m just being used and/or lied to most of the time. But part of me wants to hold out hope that there’s more there beyond the surface. That maybe, secretly, he does love me. Maybe as deeply as I love him, and that he’s just afraid to show it because of past traumas. Or maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better, and prepare myself mentally for the crushing emotional strike that might come. When I wrote that you were the last man that I would ever love on the back of the photo of him and Justin, I meant that with every fiber of my being. There will never be anyone else. There will never be anyone else because I’ll never let anyone get this close to me again.
3 July 2021-
Hey. So it’s been a couple weeks. Chris and Alexis came back with Hayden in tow and, just like I hoped and predicted, his stress level went way WAY down. I’ve mostly been on the back burner of his mind, which I also figured would happen. At first I was ok but my mood quickly soured when I realized it was after the last Sunday in June and then I was overcome with a lot of negative emotions and memories. I miss my biological family, I miss being a kid, I miss the way things used to be.
16 July 2021-
It’s two days before Hayden has to go back to his “home” in Arizona. I still haven’t got to meet him yet (if I’m going to get to meet him at all) and I feel a little slighted by that. Chris says that after Hayden leaves that he’ll “go back to his old self” but I don’t think that’s true. [Edit: not old self, his normal self was how he worded it] I think the version of him while Hayden is here is his normal self; the version of him while Hayden is in Arizona is just a hollow shell.
He and I fought on Sunday or Monday, again, because Alexis has been reading the texts between me and him. I get my head bitten off when I ask for a receipt but its fine for her to invade privacy. I guess I’m required to give benefit of the doubt but no one else is? After this fight I’ve decided to slowly, silently remove myself from their lives. I’m not a home wrecker and tired of being accused of such. I think they’ll be better off without me anyway. And once he gets Hayden away from Anna he’ll be in a much better place emotionally anyway. He probably won’t even notice once I’m gone.
Dearest Christopher,
Hey buddy. I’m sorry things ended like this. I didn’t do it to hurt you or anyone else, I just couldn’t live with the pain anymore. I never should have tried to insert myself in your lives, never should have been so selfish. I wanted you all to myself, and that was wrong of me. But you, good sir, share some of the blame. Telling me you loved me, all the hugs and kisses, all the talk of a life elsewhere. You can’t say these things and then take it all away. It is a cruelty of a special kind to let a wound of the heart fester so. Could I have loved you and made you happy? Perhaps, but I could never replace Alexis, nor would I have ever tried.
I can only leave this world behind and wonder if you ever cared about me as much as I cared for you.
Always And Forever Yours,
Ben